of “OLD”
#1I
very quietly confided to my best friend that I was having an
affair.
She
turned to me and asked, “Are you having it catered?”
And
that, my friend, is the sad definition of “OLD”!#2
Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very
elderly widow and asked,
“How old was your husband?”“98,”
she replied: “Two years older than me”
“So
you’re 96,” the undertaker commented.
She
responded, “Hardly worth going home, is it?”
Reporters interviewing a
104-year-old woman:
“And what do you think is the best thing
about being 104?” the reporter asked.
She simply replied, “No peer
pressure.”
I’ve sure gotten
old! I have outlived my feet and my teeth
I’ve had two bypass
surgeries, a hip replacement,
new knees, fought prostate cancer
and diabetes
I’m half blind,
can’t hear anything quieter than
a jet engine,
take 40 different medications that
make me
dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.
Have bouts with dementia.
Have poor circulation;
hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.
Can’t remember if I’m 85 or 92.
Have lost all my friends. But,
thank God,
I still have my driver’s license.
I feel like my body has
gotten totally out of shape,
so I got my doctor’s permission to
join a fitness club and start exercising.
I decided to take an
aerobics class for seniors.
I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up
and down, and perspired for an hour. But,
by the time I got my
leotards on,
the class was over.
An elderly woman decided
to prepare her will and told her preacher she had two final requests.
First, she wanted to be cremated, and second,
she wanted her
ashes scattered over Wal-Mart.
“Wal-Mart?” the preacher
exclaimed.
“Why Wal-Mart?”
“Then I’ll be sure my
daughters visit me twice a week”
My memory’s not as sharp
as it used to be.
Also, my memory’s not as sharp as it used to
be.
Know how to prevent
sagging? Just eat
till the wrinkles fill out.
It’s scary when you start
making the same noises
as your coffee maker.
These days about half
the stuff
in my shopping cart says,
‘For fast
relief.’
THE SENILITY PRAYER
:
Grant me the senility
to forget the people
I never liked anyway,
the good fortune to
run into the ones I do, and
the eyesight to tell the
difference.
Now,
I think you’re supposed to share this with 5 or 6, maybe 10
others.Oh
heck, give it to a bunch of your friends if you can remember who they
are!
RANDOM THOUGHTS AS WE AGE !
The biggest lie I tell myself is …”I don’t need to write that down, I’ll remember it.”
Wouldn’t it be great if we could put ourselves in the dryer for ten minutes and come out wrinkle-free and three sizes smaller!
Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators. We haven’t met yet!
I don’t trip over things, I do random gravity checks!
I don’t need anger management. I need people to stop making me mad!
Old age is coming at a really bad time!
Lord grant me the strength to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can & the friends to post my bail when I finally snap!
I don’t have gray hair. I have “wisdom highlights.” I’m just very wise.
My people skills are just fine. It’s my tolerance to idiots that needs work.
Teach your daughter how to shoot, because a restraining order is just a piece of paper.
If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would’ve put them on my knees.
The kids text me “plz” which is shorter than please. I text back “no” which is shorter than “yes”.
I’m going to retire and live off of my savings. Not sure what I’ll do that second week.
Even duct tape can’t fix stupid … but it can muffle the sound!
Why do I have to press one for English when you’re just gonna transfer me to someone I can’t understand anyway?
Of course I talk to myself, sometimes I need expert advice.
Oops! Did I roll my eyes out loud?
At my age “Getting lucky” means walking into a room and remembering what I came there for.
Chocolate comes from cocoa which is a tree … that makes it a plant which means … chocolate is salad!!!
And, of course… Have I sent this to you already… or did you send this to me?
Submitted by an Aging Friend
Julie Andrews on Turning 79 !
Julie Andrews Turning 79 - this is hysterical! To commemorate her birthday , actress/vocalist, Julie Andrews made a special appearance at Manhattan 's Radio City Music Hall for a benefit. One of the musical numbers she performed was 'My Favorite Things' from the legendary movie 'Sound Of Music' . Here are the lyrics she used: (Sing It!) - If you sing it, its especially hysterical!!! Botox and nose drops and needles for knitting, Walkers and handrails and new dental fittings, Bundles of magazines tied up in string, These are a few of my favorite things. Cadillacs and cataracts, hearing aids and glasses, Polident and Fixodent and false teeth in glasses, Pacemakers, golf carts and porches with swings, These are a few of my favorite things. When the pipes leak, When the bones creak, When the knees go bad, I simply remember my favorite things, And then I don't feel so bad. Hot tea and crumpets and corn pads for bunions, No spicy hot food or food cooked with onions, Bathrobes and heating pads and hot meals they bring, These are a few of my favorite things. Back pain, confused brains and no need for sinnin', Thin bones and fractures and hair that is thinnin', And we won't mention our short shrunken frames, When we remember our favorite things. When the joints ache, When the hips break, When the eyes grow dim, Then I remember the great life I've had, And then I don't feel so bad. (Ms. Andrews received a standing ovation from the crowd that lasted over four minutes and repeated encores. Please share Ms. Andrews' clever wit and humor with others who would appreciate it.)
Living on Life’s Back Nine
You know, time has a way of moving quickly and catching you unaware of the passing years. It seems just yesterday that I was young, just married and embarking on my new life with my mate. Yet in a way, it seems like eons ago, and I wonder where all the years went. I know that I lived them all. I have glimpses of how it was back then and of all my hopes and dreams. But, here it is - the ' back nine' of my life and it catches me by surprise. How did I get here so fast? Where did the years go and where did my youth go? I remember vividly seeing older people through the years and thinking that those older people were years away from me and that 'I was only on the first hole' and the 'back nine' was so far off that I could not fathom it or imagine fully what it would be like. But, here it is . . . my friends are retired and getting grey. They move slower and I see an older person now. Some are in better and some worse shape than me, but I see the great change. Not like the ones that I remember who were young and vibrant . . . but like me, their age is beginning to show and we are now those older folks that we used to see and never thought we'd become. Each day now, I find that just getting a shower is a real target for the day! And taking a nap is not a treat anymore . . . it's mandatory! Cause if I don't on my own free will, I just fall asleep where I sit! And so, now I enter into this new season of my life unprepared for all the aches and pains and the loss of strength and ability to go and do things that I wish I had done but never did! But, at least I know, that though I’m on the ' back nine' and I'm not sure how long it will last, this I know for sure, that when it's over on this earth . . . it's over. A new adventure will begin! Yes, I have regrets. There are things I wish I hadn't done . . . things I should have done, but indeed, there are many things I'm happy to have done. It's all in a lifetime. So, if you're not on the ' back nine' yet . . . let me remind you, that it will be here faster than you think. So, whatever you would like to accomplish in your life please do it quickly! Don't put things off too long! Life goes by quickly. So, do what you can today, as you can never be sure whether you’re on the 'back nine' or not! You have no promise that you will see all the seasons of your life . . . so, live for today and say all the things that you want your loved ones to remember, and hope that they appreciate and love you for all the things that you have done for them in all the years past! "Life" is a gift to you. The way you live your life is your gift to those who come after. Make it a fantastic one. LIVE IT WELL! (This anonymous piece came as an email from a friend. But as we age we need a little humor)