of “OLD”
#1I
very quietly confided to my best friend that I was having an
affair.
She
turned to me and asked, “Are you having it catered?”
And
that, my friend, is the sad definition of “OLD”!#2
Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very
elderly widow and asked,
“How old was your husband?”“98,”
she replied: “Two years older than me”
“So
you’re 96,” the undertaker commented.
She
responded, “Hardly worth going home, is it?”
Reporters interviewing a
104-year-old woman:
“And what do you think is the best thing
about being 104?” the reporter asked.
She simply replied, “No peer
pressure.”
I’ve sure gotten
old! I have outlived my feet and my teeth
I’ve had two bypass
surgeries, a hip replacement,
new knees, fought prostate cancer
and diabetes
I’m half blind,
can’t hear anything quieter than
a jet engine,
take 40 different medications that
make me
dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.
Have bouts with dementia.
Have poor circulation;
hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.
Can’t remember if I’m 85 or 92.
Have lost all my friends. But,
thank God,
I still have my driver’s license.
I feel like my body has
gotten totally out of shape,
so I got my doctor’s permission to
join a fitness club and start exercising.
I decided to take an
aerobics class for seniors.
I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up
and down, and perspired for an hour. But,
by the time I got my
leotards on,
the class was over.
An elderly woman decided
to prepare her will and told her preacher she had two final requests.
First, she wanted to be cremated, and second,
she wanted her
ashes scattered over Wal-Mart.
“Wal-Mart?” the preacher
exclaimed.
“Why Wal-Mart?”
“Then I’ll be sure my
daughters visit me twice a week”
My memory’s not as sharp
as it used to be.
Also, my memory’s not as sharp as it used to
be.
Know how to prevent
sagging? Just eat
till the wrinkles fill out.
It’s scary when you start
making the same noises
as your coffee maker.
These days about half
the stuff
in my shopping cart says,
‘For fast
relief.’
THE SENILITY PRAYER
:
Grant me the senility
to forget the people
I never liked anyway,
the good fortune to
run into the ones I do, and
the eyesight to tell the
difference.
Now,
I think you’re supposed to share this with 5 or 6, maybe 10
others.Oh
heck, give it to a bunch of your friends if you can remember who they
are!